TMI Tuesday @ 04/01/2013

An Open Book: If your life were a book, what would the parts or chapters be titled?

Here’s the problem, if my life were an open book, someone would close the book, put it back on the shelf, and no one would ever open it again. It’s really hard for me to imagine any writer good enough to make my life into an interesting story, and beside, any writer that good usually lies. The first draft of the outline would look like this:

1. The Pre-School Years.
2. Elementary School
3. High School
4. College
5. The Army
6. Graduate School and Courtship
7. Marriage and First Job
8. The Family Years
9. The Empty Nest
10. Retirement

Now I would not have you believe that it’s all been boring, or miserable, or anything like that. Most of it has gone pretty well, but cozy satisfaction is not interesting to read about. It lacks a dramatic arc. Do you want me to write a three page anecdote about my wife and myself sitting on the couch doing crossword puzzles. No, you don’t.

I was thinking that since I’m older that most of my readers, I might offer a few life lessons, things I’ve learned through the years, that probably no one has told you.

1. If you are in the job market, and a prospective employer says he’ll call you back, don’t hang around waiting for the call. It’s hard on the nerves, and if he doesn’t call back in a couple minutes, he probably won’t call back in the next hour. And he won’t hold it against you if you’re not there. Go do something useful or fun.

2. If you are involved with a project and tasks are being handed out, volunteer early for the one you most prefer. If you wait, hoping to get away with no task, you will probably get stuck with the task no one (including you) wants.

3. If you have a spouse or long-time lover, don’t be coy about sex.

4. Men’s shirts cost more than $10.00.

5. You can’t keep up. One of my best never-to-be-written book ideas was entitled “What are you doing on Saturday?” The idea was to go through all the rooms in the house and detail the recommended maintenance tasks for each appliance and system. I mean things like putting vinegar through the coffeemaker, vacuuming the dust off the coils behind the refrigerator, flushing your hot water heater. Nobody does them all. You can’t. (This was inspired by This Old House. I noticed how all the vendors of fancy toys said “Just (do something) every other month.”)

6. You can’t gain 10 pounds in a day any more than you can lose 10 pounds in a day.

7. The world is much more complicated that you think. Unfortunately, it’s much more complicated than most of our elected representatives think, which is one reason that so many laws are badly written.

8. The other guy isn’t paying attention to your problem.

9. Anyone can walk into a doctor’s office and walk out with a life-threatening disease.

10. Your body and your unconscious know lots of things that your conscious mind doesn’t.

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Statistics Class

There is an article on the HuffPost with a lot of statistics about porn. Parts are quite interesting.

Link here. I don’t know how long it will keep working, though.

Mermaid Tat

TMI Tuesday @ 2/12/2013

Topic: Role Play

I view role play as the safe (or safer) way to experience the forbidden. My explicit experience is vanishingly small, but we all pretend sometimes, even if the partner doesn’t know.

1. To spice things up in the bedroom, how adventurous are you willing to be? (select one)
a. I have never role-played before and will need a lot of instruction.
b. I have tested the waters, but never acted out anything scripted.
c. I have got my feet wet and want more!
d. Dive in head first – nothing is too deep.

My own taste would not be to expand on the universal trick bag of technique. It would not be the what, it would be the who. The nanny perhaps, or the MILF at the pool.

2. What scenario peaks your interest most? Why?

a. Romantic and sensual
b. Playful and fun
c. Kinky! I want it all.

Gotta go with b: playful. No point in the lovey-dovey stuff with a quick pickup, and I’m really not the kinky type (unless you insist on getting tied up;I’m good with knots). 

3. Which of these is closest to your ideal setting for a fantasy?

a. A brothel
b. A dungeon
c. A bedroom
d. A prison cell

How about e. a car, or f. a boat?

4. Which of the following toys would be prominently featured in your fantasy? (select one)
a. Feathers and whipped cream
b. Handcuffs, panty hose, and a necktie
c. Whips and chains
d. Ice cubes and a cold beer

Chocolate cake figures in a lot of fantasies, though not necessarily sexual ones.

5. It is time to take your sexy self to fantasy island, which fantasy will you bring to life to rock your lover’s world?

a. The Sassy Sexy Jersey Whore
Gaudy, Flashy, Showy…totally Jersey!

b. Kinky Cook
It’s all about the spice! Heating things up in the kitchen.

c. Naughty Maid
Your feather duster will tickle more than just the dust on the shelves.

d. Doctor Love
Saving lives and breaking hearts but not before you administer a head-to-toe physical examination.

e. Frisky Fireman
A hose so long you can put out several of the hottest fires and leave a smoldering heap as proof of a job well done.

I’m a dirty old man, so I go for “seducing the teen,” or the highly unlikely variant “joining the teen couple you are spying on for a threesome.”  And although I’m neither Dom nor sub in RL, I could role play a Dom for a willing sub.

Bonus: Tell us about your craziest or wildest role-playing adventure.

None of us feel our age, and I think a lot of us feel like children masquerading as adults, at least in some contexts. Often enough in bed, I feel like a teen playing the role of an adult. Sex is private and unmentionable. It’s the secret vice which is really a secret virtue. My virtuous public self plays the role of a secret sexual self. My mature self plays out the daydreams of my teenage self.

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Brothels

Very interesting pictures of Nevada brothels posted on Slate.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/behold/2013/01/22/mcandrews_nevada_rose_inside_the_american_brothel_photos.html

This link will probably go dead within a few days or weeks.

Wally Wood

I stumbled onto the trail of Wally Wood. He was a cartoonist. He had a naughty cartoon called Sally Forth, created for the amusement of men in the Armed Forces. This began back in 1968, and is unrelated to the Sally Forth that may appear in your local newspaper. He was also involved with Mad Magazine. You can find a little more at Wikipedia.

I thought my readers might like to see some of his raunchier drawings.

If anyone has a favorite source of raunchy cartoons, leave me a comment.

Turkey Thoughts

Well, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow, and we are going to have company in the house for a couple days. It got me to thinking about my courting days and holiday visits to her parents and mine. And, naturally, of the logistical difficulties of getting laid away from the watchful eyes of parents.

In those days, pre-marital banging was a point of cultural divide. It was openly accepted by the young (i.e. the bangers), and probably understood by the parental generation, but it was not a fit topic for general conversation, and bedrooms were not coed. So, to bang, one had to be covert. There were mysterious trips out in the car, and needs to “stay home and study” when everyone else was going out, and tip-toe adventures in the hallways in dark of night.

Good time, good times.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Peeking

The Mistress Thing

Does just boinking a babe a few times make her your mistress?

I rather thought having a mistress involved “keeping” her, i.e. providing a home and support, or at least heavy-duty sugar daddying.

What say you all?

Progress, or the lack thereof

I’d like to have written a sexy poem for this space. I tried. It didn’t work. I’m just too angry. Through this morning, the percent of customers without power in the city was falling rapidly, and I had some reason to hope that my house would be energized and warm soon. Also that the TOO FUCKING LOUD generator at the house next door would be turned off.

But no. There has been no significant progress today in restoring power here in the city or in the surrounding towns. The official view at the state level is that it may take until Monday or Tuesday to get 95% of formerly de-powered back on line.

So, fuck it. No poem.